Dear Sissy,

I wish there was a place I can go to cry. Yesterday I entertained thoughts of running the faucet water and balling on the floor of the bathroom like a child, but the thought of wasting all that water deterred me. Poor manatees. I had no choice but to big-girl-up and stop my moping, temporarily anyways. Lately I have been emotionally unstable, the BF calls it being Bi-P (bi-polar), and constantly harrasses me about how he can't handle the extremes anymore. He says my mood swings are too intense, they happen over the smallest things and can last an unreasonable amount of time. It sounds like I am on some bleeding frenzy, the ol' PMS, and were it true I could have gotten away with it. However, I chose the term emotionally unstable for a reason, I am far too emotionally invested in everything I do. Here's what happened:

I hug you because I need to hug you and communicate my affection. When you don't want to hug me in return it tells me MAYBE YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE AND YOU'RE ONLY HERE BECAUSE you don't know how to get rid of me nicely since I shower you with love.

Yikes, psycho talk huh? I've got some serious abandonment issues and I am not afraid to admit it. I pretend to wear big confidence shoes and I get away with stumbling around in them because I do a fantastic job at it. I can pretend that words don't hurt, but the truth is no one is as strong as they let on. The BF can say things that really hurt, and often times they are said with the utmost irritation. I find that my inner light diminishes, and each time he seems to slip away further. I have had my share of abandonment and though they may not have been from lovers, there is no desire to endure the anguish and betrayal again. At the risk of sounding like an adolescent girl who has gone emo with her infatuation mate, I am direly afraid of being more in love with him than he is with me. I feel like a fraud with him, that I am not good enough because I see him as perfect. He's handsome, he's intelligent, charismatic, caring when he wants to, loving when he needs to, and god does he have his flaws, but I love all those flaws just the same. One can only wish reciprocity, but alas I have found it wiser not to.

I need some genuine affection. My Bi-P is a cry out for it because how can you exist without it?

Sincerely,

dontBLINK