Monday, 11 May 2009
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Acceptance
I've never been one of those girls. I don't give ultimatums or make demands, and I certainly don't believe in trying to change people. I believe that people can change; I say that because if I can't change my perspective to accept someone (say, my boyfriend), then I don't need them in my life, and that's the way I've always been. What I find so difficult these days is accepting my boyfriend's lack of affection, seemingly, at least. I know he loves and cares a great deal about me, but it wouldn't kill him to say something sweet to me ever so often. Apparently he doesn't fare so well with talking about his emotions. Everything worked out so smoothly in the beginning when I "lived" with him because we were too busy sleeping together and hiding our relationship, but now that we live 600 miles apart, I don't exactly do phone-sex.
I've always imagined myself with a hopeless romantic. I want someone who will spontaneously buy me flowers on a rainy day, or call to tell me he's thinking of me during his last five minutes of lunch. Is it too much to ask for? And what if I want just a little more affection than "uhhh" from him when I call and he's busy hanging out with his friends, would that still be too much? My boyfriend seems to be the least romantic person. EVER. I do admit that I find his crudeness to be cute from time to time, but I feel like I need a small gush of emotion to keep me going during the other times. How can it be that your "ideal" and "actual" are so different because that is not the kind of person he is. I keep hoping for a glimmer of romance, of affection, and I often find myself disappointed and upset. I remind myself that these are unlikely expectations; these are unlikely characteristics of the man I fell in love with. Do I try to change him, or demand from him? No, it won't do us any real good. How can you win if you want the best from both worlds? You can't, at least I can't. So is he, or could he really be the one, and how much love would I, would you, give to faith?
And say that I accept his inability or unwillingness to flatter me now that we have a long distance relationship, why does accepting him make me feel so dull?
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Comments (3)
You seem like you already have a pretty good grasp of the situation, especially since you are not leaning toward changing him. They key here is compromise. This phrase stood out to me - "accept his inability or unwillingness". It's not so much an inability but a lack of desire on his part to compromise and do a little more. You have already compromised a lot so far in accepting 0 amount of effort on his part. He has to meet you halfway.
I totally understand your situation because I had a guy like this. When I brought it up the first few times, I don't think he really understood how important it was, but we had a really long talk about it and I explained how I'm just that type of person who needs words in additions to actions, that he just can't always rely on me to "know" he loves me, etc. From that point forward, he made a conscious effort to say/do more once in a while. When you talk to him about it, don't confront him or antagonize. Just try to express how you feel without any blame, etc. Let him know you don't expect hopeless romanticism ALL the time, but you want to see "more" and be specific about WHAT you'd like to see and hear from him - this would be tremendously helpful to him if he's not used to expressing his feelings, etc. At the end of the day though, it really is about communication and compromise. If you don't good a job of communicating what you need and he doesn't listen, you're screwed. Also, he has to make the conscious decision to compromise. Good luck!
I think I know how you feel. My girlfriend and I are about 6,000+ miles apart, and it's difficult showing affections or being affectionate on the phone, through letters and e-mails after having lived together and having had all the intimate, physical and emotional benefits. Simply put, it's a lot easier being in a relationship when the person is actually there. The twist for me is I'm the one who's affectionate and she's the one who doesn't show much affection (she is similar to your boyfriend in this case). I write her a letter every week, I try to call her every other day, but it seems like I'm the one who is putting in all the effort. She never writes or calls me. I care about her a lot, but it seems like I'm doing all the work. I agree with you that reciprocation from your significant other would be really nice.
I guess my best advice would be just talk to him about it. When my girl and I were just dating (not in a relationship quite yet) we talked about how we were affectionate to each other and she just was honest that she is not that kind of person. It's not that she does not appreciate romanticness, but she's very businesslike and her job and priorities come first. I think I'm the opposite, I tend to put relationships and friends and people and most especially her first. We kind of clashed about this but realized we can't change each other, and if we couldn't accept us not changing for each other, then we had to move on and not be together. Somehow though, we saw through all of this...the little and big differences that would keep us apart, and we saw that we truly do care for each other, even if one shows it more than the other (hah...that'd be me). With your boyfriend, maybe you should talk about it? At least let him know, and if he doesn't decide to try to make an effort to change at least a little or even a lot, then that tells you something (on what it tells you, and how you act upon it, is entirely up to you). If you feel he is worth staying with despite the non changes, then stay with him. But if you feel you deserve more, then seek it, go for it, even though you have a past with this person now. Maybe you two were meant to be together when you were close, but now that you're apart, maybe its not meant to be. I don't know. I've been separated from my girl for about three months now and so far its worked out but it really is hard, and the future seems so unclear right now. I don't know really.
I hope my rambling made sense. Good luck with it
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I forgot to add, this distance test really is the true test whether a relationship will last. I'm going through it now, and it's tough :(.